Open Apology

Dear XXXXX, I come here today, in this way, because I need to apologize to you. I failed you. Although I did not lie to you in words, I lied to you with faces that did not belong to me. I never meant to ruin the friendship that meant the world to me. You mean the world to me and now I come to you asking for forgiveness. If in your heart you find you can't, then I will understand and learn from this experience. You have come into my life at a time when I needed you the most. We talked about so many things that I started to realize my heart and my soul could actually feel something other than hurt. You placed comfort where there was fear, confidence where there was doubt, a shoulder where tears could fall and completeness where there was emptiness. I wanted to hold onto to this so badly that I did whatever it took for you to notice. What I didn't realize was that I could lose my entire being, all of who I was and all that I had placed in you. I wanted to be the one who would be there when you needed to talk. I wanted to be the comfort for your soul when the world was too much to handle. I wanted to be strong for you when everything else seemed impossible. I wanted to love you in only the way you deserved to be loved, never realizing that I was destroying myself and you. Somehow I needed you to be a part of my life. The only problem was that I was willing to jeopardize anything to get that done. All the things that I told you about how I felt and how you make me feel were true. Nothing else mattered to me except hearing the laughter in your voice when you were happy. You made my days easy to get through and my nights at peace, looking forward to another day, even though distance separates us just being was enough. I'm sorry for hurting you and if I had to do all over again I would have been 100% with you. Forgive me please, C

Ugh...some shows need control

Recently I attended a trade show for my company. It was fun exciting but crazy. People everywhere, loud and pushy. There needed to be some crowd control. I believe that if the show had some kind of setup to help control these crowds then the experience would not have been so overwhelming. People should have had clear formed lines to follow.

Stanchions are a standard way to do this. There are retractable belts, velvet rope and more ways being developed all the time. You can even have printing done on the belts. Or even Barricades are for traffic control, security and privacy. There are fence barricades, traffic cones, pipe and drape walls, etc… so many options to help.

Maybe I just like control and safety. Which ever it is I do hope the next show I attend uses some of these options.

I'm the Girl.....

I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because I’m sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you...I'm the girl who likes to be kissed under the stars, more then inside your bedroom or in a expensive restaurant....I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes....I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and remember each one....I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...I'm the girl who smells like they just stepped out of the shower....I'm the girl who will listen to you talk...I'm the girl who's heart jumps when your ringtone on my phone comes on...I'm the girl who really does want to be friends after a break up...I'm the girl who loves when you hug me for no apparent reason...I'm the girl.....

Broken...

This is for the broken hearted. I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them And even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you're to the point where you don't care who sees. Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it. And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...

Cracking Cracking

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Today is the day....

Today is the day....

I decide my future....

Do I stay or do I go?

And why should I?

Seems silly, right? This past few months some many things happened. Good things, bad things, hard to explain things. I have made myself crazy thinking why, how, what, when & where. I found myself in a strange world, in love, out of love, in heartbreak & back and in a overly odd friendship. Which should I explain first? Might as well go in order, right?

The Strange World

Okay, its not such a strange world. Its a new job, doing something I love just quite a bit further away from home. Which means lots of travel back and forth. Its a short flight, yes, but another country altogether. I love doing what I do, don't get me wrong on that point. I just hate being away from the people I love, the support system that is already in place here at HOME. It is also difficult to think that my safe secure world can function with out me as well. I always kind of felt like the glue...Maybe just maybe I was or maybe someone else really was....I honestly feel like I am moving forward and so is both places, yet I am stuck at the place that I left them each at when I return. So the question is 'Is it really worth it?' Only time will tell...

In Love

In October of 2009 I feel in love with someone. I tried to distance myself the best I could, the situation was not possible for me to love him then. Fast forward to October 2010, things changed, we decided to give it a try. I don't want to seem overly excited about it, but the last few months have been great. I have had to grow quite a bit in so many ways. So many personal ways which I hope you understand why I rather not get into details about. Which leads to..

Out of Love

This wonderful man thought that because I took the new job that he should step aside and end our relationship due to the fact that my time became very limited. Which was hard for me to understand as he wanted me to take the job, wanted me happy. I know he would never stand in my way of anything I ever wanted to do. i just could not understand why he would break my heart out of love...

In Heartbreak & Back

I was honestly heartbroken and was not understanding why...to make a long story short...it was something that was thought to be needed but really wasn't. Within a matter of days, we both knew we were more miserable then we ever thought we were. Hence the & back. Back together and happy, the way it should have stayed. Being to scared not to talk to each other about anything and everything could have ruined a lot of things. Never be afraid to speak your mind, its just not worth risking the things you don't want to lose...

Okay on to the last bit.

The Overly Odd Friendship

Have you ever had a person you thought you could not stand? A person who your passion was hating, or sticking pins into a homemade voodoo doll to ease some stress (huge laugh between friends now by the way). Well, I do, well, did...I have come to depend on this person for a lot of things now. He has become my roommate when I am away from home for work. He has become the so-called 'best friend' away from home. None of that scares me, not one bit. What scares me is the fact that in less then 3 months he has become these things that I can not explain. I have never openly admitted some of the things I am about to write, but they need to be said. I have always felt that each person has 2 soul mates. The Love soul mate and the Friend Soul mate. Each are needed to complete a person as a whole. I have been blessed to know my Love soul mate, but I never thought I would ever find my Friend soul mate. (Now, my best friends, both of them are the best, amazing friends I am so glad I have. I don't want to take anything from them they desevre the highest regards. okay back to my thoughts.) Roomie, has been thoughtful, kind and very considerate. Things a friend should be. Shouldn't be scared should I? No I shouldn't. I guess what scares me the most is the fact that in a matter of days I went from hate to dare I say it, love. I haven't felt like a whole since I lost my love soul mate. I have felt whole and then some lately. What I find overly odd is he never had any doubt in me or our friendship. Maybe its his own fault he believes the best in everyone or mine for not believing the best in everyone.....

At the end of the day, life is what we make it. The future our own choice to make. I stay and I go because I know I loved no matter where I am. Why should I? Why shouldn't I is more like it......

T-Shirt Hell

Totally loving this site right now...oh the sleepless nights...haha

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