Today is the day....
I decide my future....
Do I stay or do I go?
And why should I?
Seems silly, right? This past few months some many things happened. Good things, bad things, hard to explain things. I have made myself crazy thinking why, how, what, when & where. I found myself in a strange world, in love, out of love, in heartbreak & back and in a overly odd friendship. Which should I explain first? Might as well go in order, right?
The Strange World
Okay, its not such a strange world. Its a new job, doing something I love just quite a bit further away from home. Which means lots of travel back and forth. Its a short flight, yes, but another country altogether. I love doing what I do, don't get me wrong on that point. I just hate being away from the people I love, the support system that is already in place here at HOME. It is also difficult to think that my safe secure world can function with out me as well. I always kind of felt like the glue...Maybe just maybe I was or maybe someone else really was....I honestly feel like I am moving forward and so is both places, yet I am stuck at the place that I left them each at when I return. So the question is 'Is it really worth it?' Only time will tell...
In Love
In October of 2009 I feel in love with someone. I tried to distance myself the best I could, the situation was not possible for me to love him then. Fast forward to October 2010, things changed, we decided to give it a try. I don't want to seem overly excited about it, but the last few months have been great. I have had to grow quite a bit in so many ways. So many personal ways which I hope you understand why I rather not get into details about. Which leads to..
Out of Love
This wonderful man thought that because I took the new job that he should step aside and end our relationship due to the fact that my time became very limited. Which was hard for me to understand as he wanted me to take the job, wanted me happy. I know he would never stand in my way of anything I ever wanted to do. i just could not understand why he would break my heart out of love...
In Heartbreak & Back
I was honestly heartbroken and was not understanding why...to make a long story short...it was something that was thought to be needed but really wasn't. Within a matter of days, we both knew we were more miserable then we ever thought we were. Hence the & back. Back together and happy, the way it should have stayed. Being to scared not to talk to each other about anything and everything could have ruined a lot of things. Never be afraid to speak your mind, its just not worth risking the things you don't want to lose...
Okay on to the last bit.
The Overly Odd Friendship
Have you ever had a person you thought you could not stand? A person who your passion was hating, or sticking pins into a homemade voodoo doll to ease some stress (huge laugh between friends now by the way). Well, I do, well, did...I have come to depend on this person for a lot of things now. He has become my roommate when I am away from home for work. He has become the so-called 'best friend' away from home. None of that scares me, not one bit. What scares me is the fact that in less then 3 months he has become these things that I can not explain. I have never openly admitted some of the things I am about to write, but they need to be said. I have always felt that each person has 2 soul mates. The Love soul mate and the Friend Soul mate. Each are needed to complete a person as a whole. I have been blessed to know my Love soul mate, but I never thought I would ever find my Friend soul mate. (Now, my best friends, both of them are the best, amazing friends I am so glad I have. I don't want to take anything from them they desevre the highest regards. okay back to my thoughts.) Roomie, has been thoughtful, kind and very considerate. Things a friend should be. Shouldn't be scared should I? No I shouldn't. I guess what scares me the most is the fact that in a matter of days I went from hate to dare I say it, love. I haven't felt like a whole since I lost my love soul mate. I have felt whole and then some lately. What I find overly odd is he never had any doubt in me or our friendship. Maybe its his own fault he believes the best in everyone or mine for not believing the best in everyone.....
At the end of the day, life is what we make it. The future our own choice to make. I stay and I go because I know I loved no matter where I am. Why should I? Why shouldn't I is more like it......
